So… now we are getting down to the “nut-cuttin’,” as they say.
Less than a week to go on Operation: Carry Over. The house is no longer home. It’s unrecognizable and foreign to us. Suddenly, you notice that your voice has an echo that wasn’t there before. Where the fuck are we? Still, you work on. It’s the only thing you can do to distract at this point.
It has been a shitty end of the week. We’ve said a lot of goodbyes this week. Vess at her work, me at mine… we gave up the world’s sweetest cat, and we have been meeting up with our families to bid farewell. It’s proven to be more difficult than either one of us had anticipated.
When you know you’re moving, you concentrate on things like finances, travel, storage – the practical side of things. Turns out, that part is easy.
I have said my goodbyes this weekend to my job and all of the great people involved with it. I wrote a few parting letters to my closest friends because I thought it was the right thing to do. Those letters were really hard to get through. I’ve known these people for so long and have become so close to them that it was a struggle to get through every sentence. I have also been saying my last few goodbyes with my family. It’s tearing my heart in two. It was not a good weekend. It was a weekend of tears and reminiscing. It’s about at this point that you realize, “I am the cause of all this pain!” All these goodbyes, farewells and see you laters are because of me. Nobody forced me to do this. I am the cause of all of the pain I feel – all of the tears. I am the traitor at work.. the one that is abandoning and jumping ship. I am the one moving away from his family. I am the one voluntarily leaving the ones he loves. Eventually, you start to feel guilty. The first time I felt this was while I was looking at my fighting cat’s eyes as I was stuffing her into a carrier. I’ve felt it several times since. Again, it was not a good weekend.
I honestly feel selfish. Is it worth the sorrow? Is it worth taxing these close relationships? Is it worth moving so far away from the people I love? I don’t know… but it’s too late to turn back now. The best I can hope for is to make it worth it. I have to make sure all of this isn’t in vain.